My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
