I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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