I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
MIDGETS
????
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
