i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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