cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
