the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
