So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I CAN MOONWALK!
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
