Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My dick has a subreddit
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Two words: nipple clamps
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