It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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