Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
