There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I wish there were birth control emojis
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
