Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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