Yo dont text me then not text me
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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