I just pynch a tree in the face
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
