I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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