Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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