...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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