The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
