The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
