life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
