Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
