if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
