wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I could make wine with my vomit
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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