My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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