I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
