You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
