If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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