so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize