I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
