I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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