all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
