I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
