my mouth tastes like poor choices
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
