if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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