you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
So many bounce houses so little time
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
