dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
