From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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