they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize