i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Randomize
