dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
