Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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