I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
