we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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