So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
