Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
