Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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