Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
