what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
