Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
