If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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