I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Who did Billy Mays play for?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
