life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
