oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
