I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
