so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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