I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
someone threw a dead crab at me
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Vodka?
Forever.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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